I don’t say anything anymore. I’m expected to be so strong, everyone brushes off when I’m low. I lost my dad in 2017. My dad. My protector. Cried on my best friend’s shoulder and watched her, her mother, and great-grandmother disappear during the pandemic and was still expected to be strong. Covid kept a distance between us that I wasn’t prepared for and just like that. No more. It more than kind of messed me up. Still, I’m expected to be strong. Operating on fumes I’m expected to keep going. And I do. Caring for my mother. Holding on to her so close afraid to lose her, again I’m expected to be strong. Exhausting all funds and resources no one understands. I’ve been told it makes no sense to put money towards caring for her and I should put her in a home and live. They don’t understand still I’m expected to be strong.
Last week I spent 6 days in the hospital and the day after discharge I was once again told I needed to be s_____.
Cried to my sister-in-law who in recent years lost two sisters and her mother, thinking she would understand I was told I can’t reveal my vulnerabilities to my daughter or anyone. She said, “I cry in the shower every day and step out like I never did because no one cares or will make a difference.”
I know I’m strong. Strong as an ox, resilient I’ve been told. Still, I want to be told it’s alright and I’m allowed to feel and not just be hard all the time. Carrying on as biz as usual. Like I got this, even if I have this I want to feel I can cry on a shoulder and not absorb more but release, exhale, and snot it out if I have to.
Reflecting on my life gives me new meaning to, “check on your strongest friend.” It’s not the duration of but it’s in those moments when it’s needed to feel vulnerable and not tough.
I can’t be fake but I can be silent which is why I tucked this here.
Love your strongest friend, not just dump on or expect them to always be on, and offer breaks not wait for them to ask you when they don’t know your off days or schedule.
Tami Temple 